A Dolphin Tail
by the-dolphin-tales
Summary: Romeo the dolphin meets a marooned Juliet. Benvolio attempts to maintain the undersea kingdom while Juliet attempts to maintain her sanity. Sparks fly between Mercutio and Tybalt. Meanwhile, Nurse Jafar and Evil Friar plot to take over the world. Crack AU
1. Princess, meet Ocean

Hello! Here's another crackfic parody of Romeo and Juliet, brought to you by Snowdolphin and rainbow-dolphin! :DD

Just... accept things as you go, kay xDD All feedback is appreciated!

Fandom: Romeo and Juliet

Title: The Princess and the Dolphin

Warnings: Crack. Romance. Crack.

Rating: T

And now... Chapter 1!

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><p>It was a bright and wonderful day on the Verona Seas. Romeo, Dolphin Prince of the Seven Seas and son of Sea King Montague, was having lots of fun somersaulting and chasing imaginary rainbows around a big brown ship (don't ask).<p>

His fellow sea creatures and subjects bowed and waved, but parted for him, most of the time shaking their heads despondently and wondering if there was really something wrong with the poor dolphin's head. Others just stayed as far away as possible, singing to themselves so they wouldn't hear_ his_ (horrible, but cute) singing. He hadn't matured mentally since he was a calf, at all. They just hoped that his current frolicking was simply to get rid of the taste of his mother's 'cures', and not another insane stunt that would get him beached again (for the twenty-seventh time, his friends counted).

Romeo himself hadn't noticed them. All he could think about was,"Ooooh, what kind of whale is this? Why does he have such a cool color! I want to be whale-colored toooooo! How long before he notices me and comes and PLAYYYYY with me?" And so he frolicked and teased and swam circles around the big whale - which wasn't a happy whale at all.

I mean, happy ship. Not a happy ship at all. No wonder it didn't respond to his incessant clicks and chirping. (He didn't know that of course.)

On board this very unhappy ship was a very unhappy princess, by the name of Juliet. She had just been dumped on this ship by the (EVIL!) Friar who was advisor to her father's court. Juliet's father, the king, was very, very sick, and seemed to be dying soon. Now, Juliet had never liked her father, nor her mother when she was alive, but she absolutely despised the Friar.

"Land, ho!" The captain of the ship called, burshing back her dark curls as she adjusted the telescope held to her stormy grey eyes. "Ye journey be endin' soon, lassie, and it won't be a good one, Princess - has no one shut up the blasted dolphin yet?"

"No, Cap'n Rosaline;" A burly crew member hurried up, apologizing; "We be tryin' ta throw things at it and even wheeled out our cannons for the blasted' thing; but it just won't go away! In fact methinks it just got more excited. Arrrrrrgh!"

"Davy Jones' Locker!" Rosaline cursed.

Yes, any stupid person would know at once that there was something wrong with the crew. Juliet was no idiot, and she was very sure this ship definitely had no intentions of being a diplomatic representation at some foreign land at all - much less the foreign land of Agrabakistan, which she was pretty sure was a landlocked,_ desert _country anyway.

Juliet had a very, very bad feeling about this. Either that, or it was the crew's bad cooking. Which was almost as bad as their lies - Agrabakistan? Seriously?

Clutching the side of the boat to make sure she didn't accidentally fall off, she leaned over the edge and looked out to the horizon. The wind tried to ruffle her black hair, securely tied into a braid. Juliet thought that it was quite a nice feeling, looking out from the deck of a ship with the open sea all around her. It brought a sense of freedom she had barely got to taste during her childhood growing up as Princess of LaLaLand- and even those meagre tastes were gotten from her going against the palace 'laws' and sneaking out on her own. Deviating from the 'good little princess' ideal had brought her countless joys, and Juliet wondered if she could escape marrying some snooty prince in Agrabakistan or wherever these loonies were sending her to.

Her eyes focused on the 'land' that Rosaline had spotted- it didn't look like a foreign country. Didn't look like much other than a random patch of land bobbing above sea level- a tiny island. This couldn't be right- Juliet tried to look around for other landforms, thinking that perhaps what Captain Rosaline had spotted was too far off to see, but after a few minutes nothing else had come into sight.

The island was almost in their face now, and Rosaline threw her whole weight into cranking the ship's speed lever back- Juliet felt a sickening jolt, and it wasn't just because the ship was jerking erratically to a stop.

"All righ', Princess;" The Captain grunted, signalling for her men to get the longboat ready. "Down ye go."

"What?"

"Sorry, mate," Rosaline shrugged, although something flashed through her eyes. "We were told to just make you walk the plank in the middle of the ocean- but that's not very nice of us, especially when I've heard all ye stories about running away from the castle an' all that. You'll make a good Capt'n yourself, Princess- go do yourself a favor and catch a passing ship, pretend ye're an orphan, victim of pirate attack, whatever. Start a new life and stay away from 'at dastardly Friar. He stole our ponies!"

At this there was an enraged cry from all the crew. _The Friar?_ Juliet thought with horror. _I was right about him all along! And I'm leaving him with my ill father- _

"Down ye go, Princess." Captain Rosaline repeated, drawing the rapier hanging from her fancy belt. She brandished it at Juliet, making the princess hurriedly stumble forward. "Hope ye catch a good ship._ If_ ye catch a ship."

Captain Rosaline nudged Juliet forward again, harder this time, so that Juliet stumbled over to the edge of the ship - and into a longboat. Before Juliet could react, a bunch of burly sailors - pirates, she realised - began to heave the boat over the side of the ship. "Wait!"

Captain Rosaline groaned. "What now, Princess? Me an' the crew hav' ta get back to plunderin' royal ships!"

A long list of questions tumbled through Juliet's mind - who are you? Why exactly are you doing this? Can't you just take me with you? What did the Friar tell you?

Instead she said, "Why would you need ponies? You're pirates! _Sea _pirates!"

Captain Rosaline rolled her eyes. "They be pretty, lassie, and that's all that matters! That," she said thoughtfully, rubbing her imaginary beard, "and they're expensive. Now off with ya!"

And with that, Juliet was thrown overboard. She landed roughly in the ocean, and there was immediately a strange high-pitched squeak from below her. The boat tilted at a dangerous angle, and whatever was below her thrashed again, flipping the dingy wooden vessel over and into the water.


	2. The Baby Whale becomes an Octopus

Authors' Note: ...It's 12 midnight. Jeez, you guys know the deal. Proudly presented by Snowdolphin and rainbow-dolphin, this is complete crack. Read, enjoy, hammer us if you feel it necessary... *yawn*

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><p>Romeo was happily prancing in the waters, newly excited by the realisation that <em>this whale could swim above water,<em> when all of a sudden, a long shadow appeared below him.

He looked at it in confusion. Was the big whale sending its baby whale to play with him? The idea excited him immensely, and he paused his swimming around of the ship to move towards the shadow for a closer look. Why was the whale dropping its poor baby, he should try to catch the poor thing-

"OW!" he chirped loudly as the longboat crashed onto his head and dorsal fin, sending waves of pain through his simple mind. Squealing, he thrashed about and hastily dived, reeling from the sudden impact; that baby whale was _bad_! _Bad whale! _

Above the water, the longboat tilted dangerously and finally turned over, dumping an extremely pissed off princess into the water.

An extremely pissed off princess who could not swim.

Juliet's last coherent thought as her head went under was "Friars and pirates - I hope a hot merman comes save me."

Then panic took over and she began thrashing wildly. But her stupid dress was dragging her down and she couldn't even _swim_, dammit, the palace staff would never let her near a sizable body of water if they could and even with all her sneaking away to play in lakes and stuff she had only learnt how to doggy-paddle at best. And the water- why was it- why was it so salty-

She choked on the water, struggling to control the impulse to breathe in. Her chest burned. Just as her vision was starting to blur and turn dark, she saw the hazy shape of something approaching from under her - and then a soft, pointy something nudged at her back, and then...

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><p>...Octopus?<p>

...why was the pretty octopus not moving?

She was a very pretty octopus...

How did the baby whale become an octopus?

...the octopus didn't _die_, did it?

Oh no, he'd better get help! Um- um- uhh-

Romeo swam around in a confused circle. The pretty octopus sank past him into the water.

Uhhh- oh, he should get the octopus back to the whale and its baby! They'd know what to do!

Romeo quickly dived and tried to drag the pretty octopus back towards the surface, but it was very, very heavy! And then the octopus opened its eyes - such pretty purple eyes! - and grabbed onto his fin.

Ow! Bad octopus! Romeo flailed under the sudden weight, but then he remembered the poor octopus needed help. And he was the Dolphin Prince! Surely he could do better than this! With a burst of determination he shot towards the surface, launching himself out of the water and into the air beautifully. Juliet took the moment to quickly gasp for air and cough out the water she had inhaled, while Romeo simply had his default reaction to such a stunt.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"


	3. Benvolio and Romeo fail

Authors' note: Speed update here *yawns again* Same drill - Read, enjoy, flame/criticise/review, and we'll love you 3

AND BENNY FINALLY APPEARS *total Benvolio fangirls here*

...Just watch the 1968 version of_ Romeo and Juliet_. BENVOLIO IS SO CUTE.

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><p>Ooohhh no.<p>

She had thought salvation had come when a dolphin swam up to her and brought her back to the surface- that was what dolphins did, right? She had heard loads of stories about dolphins bringing shipwrecked sailors to land and all-

But then she realized that it was the same dolphin which had been idiotically circling their ship for the past hour.

In other words, the retarded one.

She bit back a scream as the dolphin leapt out of the water, instead focusing on getting herself some air- taking deep gasping breaths, Juliet tried not to think about the strange whooping noise the dolphin was making.

And then - 't - Juliet took a deep breath and braced herself as the dolphin re-entered the sea with a gigantic splash and the force of a stampede of horses.

The dolphin chirped something, seeming to ask a question. She opened her eyes a fraction- the sea-creature was grinning, and trying to turn its head to look back at her without much success. It chirped again, oblivious to the fact that Juliet_ did not understand it_-

Juliet tugged hard on the fin. The dolphin yelped in pain, and Juliet felt almost sorry for it - then she remembered the dolphin was the reason she was back in the water. _Well, serve you right._

Not too gently, Juliet nudged it in the direction of the longboat.

She clambered onto the wooden boat, dripping wet and shivering, watching the larger ship- a pirate ship, now she knew- sail away. Captain Rosaline leaned over the side, waved once with a smirk, and disappeared below the hull to steer the ship away. Juliet scowled, resisting the urge to scream for the boat to come back- she would _not _give in to these lowlifes hired by the evil Friar- and instead searched the longboat for an oar.

Below the longboat, Romeo circled around the baby whale anxiously. Was the pretty octopus safe? Did it die? Oh no! Mother and Father would be so angry with him!

And then something stuck out of the baby whale and began to push it forward. What strange narrow fins the whale had! He followed the whale, wanting to make sure that the octopus was safe.

From in the boat, Juliet sneezed, but kept rowing. "Go away, dolphin."

The dolphin chirped excitedly and butted against the ship in a friendly manner.

"No, I meant- oh, nevermind. Go find some land for me, will you?"

The dolphin swam a circle around the boat.

"I mean, land- gah, do you get it? Land? I- oh, nevermind."

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><p>"Romeo, your parents are very worried, do stop beaching yourself-"<p>

"Bbbbuuutt-" The dolphin prince whined, eyes wide and watering. The dark-haired merman beside him gently took Romeo's flipper, leading him along. "Romeo, you've got to understand that the surface is dangerous-"

"But pretty Octopuuuussss!"

Benvolio twitched, then sighed. Romeo had been chattering about this 'pretty octopus' nonstop for the past few days, whatever it was. "Don't "but" me! I've spent my entire life looking after you! Does anyone ever care? Do I "but" anyone?" His voice was taking on a dangerously angsty note. Romeo appeared not to notice, and clicked once at a passing shoal of fish.

"NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!" He breathed heavily, running a hand through his curly locks. Benvolio contemplated slapping himself. Or maybe Romeo. Hard.

Romeo pouted. "But the Octopus was pretty! And drowning!" He swam a few circles around his best friend, clicking depressedly.

Benvolio rolled his eyes. "Octopi do not drown. They are sea creatures for goodness' sake!"

He tried tugging Romeo along again, heading back towards the Sea Palace- they passed a young mermaid.

"Pretty fish!" Romeo chirped. Benvolio twitched again, his tail this time. "Romeo, you do not call ladies that to their face-"

But he was soon distracted by the mermaid as well, who seemed to be blinking her eyes rapidly and staring at him in a rather imploring manner. "Um...are you alright, Miss?"

She blinked her eyes even more rapidly - worryingly so. "Oh..." she murmured breathily, leaning forward and grinning somewhat deliriously. "No... good gentleman... But I do... oh..." She put her hand to her forehead, and flopped over suddenly, sinking into the depths.

Benvolio quickly darted over and caught the mermaid, worried. "Miss!" He fumbled, the grip on the mermaid's arm not enough to keep her from falling over. Biting back an uneasy yelp Benvolio shifted and caught the mermaid as she fell, bridal-style. "A-are you alright? You're in no condition to be out- is there anything I can do? Should I escort you home? I must get you to a safe place! What do you think you are doing, coming out to open waters when you are clearly not well?" he chided anxiously. "You must take care of yourself!"

The mermaid seemed to get worse; her cheeks flushed and she flailed in Benvolio's grip. "Oh...ooohhh! I- I- If you would please, carry me home?" she asked weakly, one hand on her heart. Her eyes blinked even more rapidly. "I feel so faint..."

"Of course! Romeo, please stay here and _don't_ go wandering off again, alright? Where do you live, miss?" Benvolio began to swim away with the mermaid, totally concerned for her health and not in the least aware of the possibility that she might have been flirting with him. "What sickness do you have anyway? I've never seen anything like it. Can I do something to help?"

"Yes... It can... only... be cured... by true love's kiss..." she said, smiling weakly. Her eyes blinked even faster, if that was possible. It was really worrying, Benvolio thought, horrified.

"Oh no! Come, rest well and then I will help you find this true love!"

In his arms, the mermaid sighed in despair. _No wonder_ no mermaid had been able to get to (the rather dashing, she agreed) Benvolio's heart. He was simply so innocent and unaware- but _so dreamy, too_...

Benvolio didn't pause to think about why this was already the fifth mermaid who approached him that day.

Behind him, Romeo was now a clicking speck in the distance.


	4. Insanity comes in the form of an Island

Authors' Note: Crack Interlude xDD Enjoy the R & J crack! 8DDD

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><p>Juliet's day had been going in the most splendidly horrific way possible. And it wasn't even the effect of being marooned on a desert island because her dolphin guide had been too retarded to find her any larger landmass.<p>

First, the coconut trees attacked her - or more specifically, it's guardians the paranoid pelicans did (since when did pelicans eat coconuts anyway?) - then the only place that might reasonably hold food turned out to be a cellar leading to an alternate dimension where all the living creatures were unintelligent brain-eating zombies and insane gunslinging handsome teenage boys (don't ask). Next a ship had landed but then refused to take her because it was too small (admittedly, it was indeed too small - only the size of her freaking palm). She was starting to think the island was some phantom island of insanity plaguing the world like a bored swarm of mosquitos on a humid afternoon.

Last, that bloody annoying dolphin kept coming back. Every single day for the past week. And it was nothing if not an uneeded distraction.

She had tried to get the sea creature to fish for her, or try to find passing ships, or something useful- but nooo, the creature just spent most of the time staring at her from the shallows and chirping. And swimming circles for no apparent reason. And grinning. It wouldn't stop grinning.

And then there were the gifts. Instead of anything remotely useful, such as fish or even driftwood, which could at least be used to start a fire, the dolphin tossed onto shore all manner of strange and entirely useless trifles, such as shells, dead starfish and occasionally souvenirs from ship wrecks. She hoped that some of these souvenirs were from Captain Rosaline's ship.

On top of that, she had the sneaking suspicion that the dolphin was trying to _hit_ on her.

The tropical sunshine really did not agree with her.

She was lucky to be alive, really. All those times running away from the palace and living by herself in the woods really paid off- she knew to quickly dry her clothes, start a fire (after spending the whole afternoon trying), create something vaguely resembling a shelter. Now if that dolphin could freaking _help her find some food..._

Juliet flopped over on the warm sand, tiredly watching the dolphin swim around.

"Go away," she groaned. "Have fun in the water, eating your delicious fish which you won't even bloody share with me. Stupid dolphin."

The dolphin squirted water at her playfully, grinning the whole while.

"Ugh, thanks," she muttered. "I definitely needed that."

The dolphin did a joyful flip in the water.

"I meant that sarcastically! Why are you so happy all the time?"

Oh great, now she was imagining the dolphin could actually understand her.

Maybe she was having a dream, and she'd wake up soon. Or maybe the transdimensional cellar had led her to a screwed up alternate version of her life. Yes, that must be it. Who to blame, who to blame...

...the dolphin! Oh great, she was certainly mental.

And then something pulled the dolphin down into the water before she could fling something - preferably one of those annoying pelicans that had been keeping her away from the coconuts - at it.

She caught a glimpse of a sea-green fish tail and something dark- hair? but no, sea creatures weren't furry- before the dolphin disappeared under the waves with a screech and a flail.

...dolphins could flail?

That was it. Juliet turned on her tummy and rested her forehead on her arms. Hopefully when she woke up she would be in a saner place and _without_ a sunburn.


	5. Flying Spaghetti Goddess, SHUT HIM UP!

Authors' Note: ENTER THE SIDESTORY xDD

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><p>Far, far, very far away from sea, an even more pissed off boy was trying to make a living - or so he told himself.<p>

Young Tybalt's teeth hurt. He had spent the past hour chewing on hard and definitely stale bread, trying to eat it.

"Bloody bread!" He flung it over his shoulder, sulking.

"Now, now, good sir, be nice to the bread," a nearby monkey said- yes, you read that right. A nearby monkey just talked. And it was not just any monkey- it wore its little fancy monkey-vest and felt cap proudly as it scampered over and gently picked up the bread, storing the half-slice into its pockets. Which were already stuffed with similarly distasteful but nonetheless edible foodstuffs. "We can't afford to be picky in this time of need, young lad-"

"Dear sweet Goddess of Flying Spaghetti, will you _stop speaking like that,_ Paris?" Tybalt scowled and flipped him the finger.

The Monkey frowned disapprovingly. "Bread is hard enough to come by."

"Oh, for the love of all the stupidity in Agrabakistan, stop sounding like those retarded stuck-up nobles with your stupid fancy accent! Go stick a-"

The contents of Tybalt's rant are not suitable for transcription. Suffice to say it ended with Tybalt stalking off into the distance and Paris sighing profusely as he nibbled on the bread.

Yes, my dear friends, our young Tybalt was no ordinary boy. He was a very_ poor_ boy. A very poor, very pissed off boy living off the things he stole from stuck-up, upper-class snobs in the grand old nation of Agrabakistan. And who possessed a Talking Monkey. (He stole that too.) Personally he reckoned that aforementioned Talking Monkey was much better off liberated from his old job as some lame performing pet primate - not that he would ever tell the Monkey that. Especially since he had been regretting that decision nearly every day for the past -uhh, he couldn't count- years. Stupid fancy monkey with the fancy words and the fancy-smancy advice and then-

In any case, he was going to have nothing to do with the stupid monkey now. No, nothing else. Severing all ties. Yes. This was totally_ not _going to end in him shuffling back to save Paris' stupid monkey ass from getting into trouble for the millionth time.

Sulking, the young boy skulked off, eager to launch into his favourite pastime - making everyone else as pissed off as himself.

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><p>"AHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF, OH SWEET FLYING SPAGHETTI, GET IT OFF!"<p>

With a cackle of glee Tybalt watched as three gallons of sweet gravy mixed with dead rats, rotten watermelons and pigeon eggs descended upon the large procession of rich old men and women. _The snobs, let's see them get their rich silks clean now! _

Satisfaction still plastered all over his face, he darted away from the large house and snuck along the back alleys, weaving through the maze of rich mansions and villas circling the scenic but rare oasises of Agrabakistan, placing as much distance as possible between himself and the servants who were sure to come to investigate. Tybalt crouched and crept under a particularly low wall, where saplings could be seen over the edge waving slightly in the breeze. This particular house was better furnished- even from the outside- than usual, but that wasn't something he bothered with-

-A scream pierced the air, and it wasn't from the old stuck-ups he had left behind.

Tybalt jumped and turned to face the low wall, the scream having come from behind. Just what was going on-

"OH NO. NONONONO, YOU EVIL SHE-DEVIL, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME-"

Tybalt wondered if he should call the police. Then he realized that one; the police would just arrest_ him_ instead. Two; this was rich-snob-neighborhood. They could go backstab each other for all he cared. He prepared to go, but the screaming continued.

"AHHH, NOOO! WHAT THE HELL MUST I DO TO- NO DON'T ANSWER, GET THE HELL OFF! AAHHH! NO NO NO NOT THAT RIDICULOUS COSTUME-"

Hm. Looks like he wasn't the only one hell bent on creating mischief and embarassing situations over here. Tybalt could only wonder what was going on behind, and as much as he wanted to he couldn't peek over the low wall to see what was going on- it would give him away.

"Aw, your Highness, you don't have to hide out here in your cousin's house - just come back and I can get the hair dye properly in-"

Waaaaait. _Hair-dye_?

"NONONO, NEVER EVER EVER EVERRRRR!"

A loud, very valuable sounding crash resounded.

"You _scoun_- I mean, your highness, get back here!"

Tybalt darted behind a tree as someone tripped over the threshold of the villa, rushing into the backyard. A rich snob indeed- the boy, about Tybalt's age, was dressed in rich silks with fine trimming that glinted in the harsh sunlight. His hair was clean and shiny, if not extremely messy, unlike Tybalt's which was matted with grime- but he had the desperate look of a street urchin caught stealing. _So he knew fear._ Tybalt approved.

The boy cast his gaze around frantically, letting out a breathless gasp before sprinting off in a random direction. As he turned away Tybalt noticed a blue-green streak in his hair- so whoever talked about the hair-dye was serious!

...but really, _blue-green_ hair dye? Who in their right mind would _ever_ use that kind of glaring ghastly color-

And then a most terrifying sight exited the backdoor - a richly dressed, fat old woman with the most frighteningly gay grin Tybalt had ever seen waddled out. Tybalt balked in shock, realizing exactly what kind of person would use blue-green hair dye on stuck-up and snobby but otherwise innocent children.

Now, Tybalt might be a bit - all right, _very_ pissy with rich kids, but he was, deep down, quite the sap. Not that he would ever admit it, of course. In fact, no one is sure he himself is aware of this. But then again why else would he repeatedly go back to 'save' Paris even though most of the time Paris wasn't in much danger at all? Regardless, this should never be said to his face.

Taking one more look at the woman - oh, dear sweet Unicorn of Baseball Caps and All Blasphemous Things, that grin had to be the most terrifying thing on earth - Tybalt dashed after the kid who had disappeared down the alleyway, totally forgetting that the woman could see him.

"You! Urchin!"

Tybalt wheeled around, frozen with fear. He didn't often freeze up like this, but with all that he had witnessed, it was hard not to once you let your imagination wander about what the lady was capable off. The woman turned to face him, clothes billowing in the desert wind- Tybalt caught sight of something blue and grey draped over her arm._ Is that...is that a dress? _

"Don't flinch like that, boy! Stand up straight when you're talking to me!"

Tybalt jumped. He didn't have time for this, damnit- there was a kid to be saved from a horrible fate-

"Hands folded behind your back-"

"What the hell," Tybalt growled, turned and started to stalk off.

"Oi! You filthy urchin- gah, Mah-Cutie' can wait- you disrespect me, boy? Nevermind, I was looking for a victi- I mean, a helper to model something for me anyway-" The woman brandished the fabric, which was enough reason for Tybalt to speed up in a sprint for his life after the other boy.

"GET BACK HERE!"

_No way in hell_, Tybalt thought. Now where was that boy?

Darting into the alleyway, he glanced around, catching sight of the fresh footprints in the sand- kid needed to cover his tracks better. What Tybalt wouldn't give to have Paris around to help cover up the tracks- anyway. No time for that now. Cursing the other boy's stupidity under his breath, Tybalt dashed in that direction-

-to find the boy helplessly banging his fists against a wall, having come against a dead end.

Stupid rich kids. Did they not know how to_ climb a wall_? Pft, probably not. Dumbass kid.

"Oi! Dumbass!"

The kid jumped, turning around. He relaxed upon catching sight of Tybalt, and then looked about in a dramatically exaggerated way. "Hmm, sorry man, don't see any, except for the one who just shouted."

Tybalt resisted the overwhelming urge to slap his forehead. Or better, the snob's annoying face- it would get the irritating smirk off at least. He took a deep breath to calm himself. In situations like this, the best response would be another witty comment back. Now, what to say...

"Oh, I forgot; you can't see yourself unless there's a mirror. Hmm, there's none! My bad. I shall be more specific, then. How about 'Dumbass dressed in fine clothes who just came running as if from the Devil himself and then smashed into a wall'? Would that be specific enough for your sub-par intelligence to comprehend?"

The rich kid scowled. "I did not _smash_ into the wall- and, by the way, that "Devil" was a female. Is your eyesight that bad to the point in which you cannot tell a fat old woman in what is obviously a flappy lady's garment from a man?"

"Oh, hahaha, I'm so hurt," Tybalt shot back. "Really need to work harder, dumbass."

"Ahh, you're a masochist I see," the kid replied, waggling his eyebrows suggestively and grinning broadly.

"Not in that way, dammit! Not only are you stupid, turns out you're a -"

"I SEE YOU THERE, YOU TWO!"

The kid paled. Tybalt took one glance at the flapping atrocity behind him, and darted forward, grabbing the (protesting) kid's hand. He lunged towards the wall, quickly finding a foothold in the cracked brickwork, and hauled Dumbass Boy along as he scrambled over the top.

Damnit, Dumbass was _heavy!_

Tybalt let himself fall over the edge of the wall and landed gracefully on his feet in a half-crouch. Dumbass flailed and flopped over, crashing into the ground with a groan. Rolling his eyes, Tybalt didn't give him time to rest, immediately pulling Dumbass to his feet roughly and dashing off. On the other side of the wall, he could already hear the she-demon call for hellish reinforcements.

"Nh-no...st...stop...I can't...I can't...too...too tired..."

"Shut up Dumbass, I'm saving your life." Tybalt was reminded of Paris whom the line was most commonly directed at. He thought that the monkey would be please that Tybalt had found another target for his sarcasm and foul temper, but then he realized that he was supposed to have severed all ties with the chimp. Ah well. He kept running, barely stopping to think as he darted through crossroads and snuck past alleyways which he knew like the back of his (grubby) hand.

"...And then there's that awful clothing, which must mean you live with the Great Apple Pie of Unhealthy Complexes. Where are you taking me?" Dumbass whined. "I'm tired. Can we have some caramel apples? I like those. You like those? Nah, you probably like bittergourds, masochist that you are. Do you eat a lot? You're thinner than a bamboo stick. Wait, what the hell's a bamboo stick?"

"Oh, dear Sparrow of Chatterboxes and Shooting Stars, MAKE THE DUMBASS SHUT UP!" Tybalt yelled, flipping Dumbass over onto the ground. They were finally in the safe zone - aka the slums. The journey there was usually short, but with Dumbass rambling the whole way it seemed ten times longer. Growling, Tybalt jabbed an accusing finger at Dumbass. "You. SHUT UP! Why do you have to whine, whine, whine, WHINE?"

"Ow!" Dumbass whined. "That hurt, moron!" _Was he actually_ pouting_?_

"I SAID STOP WHINING!"

Dumbass stuck out his tongue defiantly. "Whine whine whine whine whine! I want caramel apples! Whine whine! I want a feather bed and a rose water bath and whine whine whine! I want lots of things I can't be bothered to think of right now! Wait, I know what I want- I want Nurse Jafar to DIE FOREVER! She's the reason I got stuck with a gay masochist like you! It's almost as bad as being forced into a Hatsune Miku outfit!" Dumbass wailed, kicking the ground from his prone position.

"Gay. Masochist," Tybalt ground out through gritted teeth. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just leave you here."

"Because I'll go set your house on fire." Dumbass didn't even pause to think about his reply. Damn him. Damn them all rich snobs.

"...okay, now give me one good reason why I shouldn't drag you back to that demon-woman and her hair-dye and her weird costumes!"

"Because I'm the freaking prince of Agrabakistan!"

"Yeah, right," Tybalt snorted. "And I'm the King of Lalaland."

"You are?" Dumbass asked, eyes wide, his expression of shock painfully exaggerated. "How did you get rid of all the wrinkles?" Dumbass snickered.

"That's it. I give up." Tybalt whirled around, ready to stalk off.

"Wait! You can't leave me here!" Dumbass whined - again. "I don't even know where the hell I am. You got me into this, now get me out!"

"Correction. You got _me_ into this, by running off and dooming yourself with a dead end. If you had any brains I wouldn't had to come save you out of the kindness of my heart."

"Oh, I do have brains, all right, but only those with brains can appreciate my braininess."

Tybalt raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"


	6. Lady Montague is drunk, and so is Fate

Authors' Note: Hi guys, another speed update! :DD Hope you guys enjoy the crack ;) Although, we're being a bit mean to Juliet, and Benny in particular...

* * *

>Thousands of miles away, under the sea, Benvolio was watching worriedly as his best friend giggled and twirled about.<p><p>

"Your highness, are you sure that was the right medicine?" he asked anxiously.

Lady Montague looked equally worried about her son. Or as worried as she could be, in the state she was in. "I'm... hic... quite sure..." she dove downwards tipsily, placed her mouth over the neck of the bottle jammed on a coral stand and took another gulp of beer. Somehow sucking the liquid from the bottom of the bottle. But then again, this was under the sea so fluid mechanics probably worked differently down here.

Benvolio winced as stray drops of beer diffused through the water. "Milady, perhaps you should not drink underwater. Perhaps you should not drink at all?" he asked tentatively.

"Nugh!" Lady Montague flailed wildly, Benvolio having to back off to avoid the flapping flippers and thrashing tail. "Ah need mah drink, so **** off, yah niggah! Preparh...hic... perhpare for teh...teh Concert or somthfink!"

"Of... of course, milady," Benvolio said, more worried than ever. He tried not to think about how there might have been a heriditary reason behind Romeo's...rationality defects (if he wasn't mistaken he didn't think Lady Montague even paused in her drinking habits when she was pregnant with Prince Romeo) and focused on other things, such as the state of the sea. Really, the undersea world was getting more unwell by the day. Next thing he knew, talking monkeys would grow gills and invade the kingdom! Or worse, band together with those awful sharks! And instead of checking over their defenses the kingdom was preparing for their inaugural Concert- he'd have to perform, of course, as a relative of the Royal Family, but he'll have to decide his item later. There were loads of more important things to think about, like the monkies and the sharks- what if they teamed up with _Genies_-

...maybe he should see a doctor too.

But what if all the doctors were sick too? What kind of sickness was this anyway? All the mermaids had it, they were all fainting and coming down with strange eye diseases that caused them to blink uncontrollably? What if he had it too? Oh no, should he start stocking up medicine? The last time he checked his medicine cupboard was two days ago! What if some of the pills had expired? What if, what if, what if...

In the meantime, our dolphin prince had taken advantage of the lack of supervision to swim off to his favourite destination these days: the Island of Incredible Idiocy and Imminent Insanity, as his dear sweet purple-eyed land octopus seemed to have named it. She was having quite the penchant for alliteration these days. Why, she had called him Dumb Dopey Dolphin of the Derpish Depths the last time he visited! Such a sweet name! Maybe he should think of one for her...

* * *

><p>The Stupid Sun of Suffocating Sunburn was showing its face today. It made Juliet so mad.<p>

"Come on, Sun, give me a break! I already thought up of an alliterating name for you! What more do you want?" Juliet shouted at the fireball in the sky, shielding her eyes from the glaring sunlight- but of course, the sun didn't answer.

Juliet stopped and thought that her shouting was actually quite mad.

She probably was going mad over here.

Maybe it was the fact that she still had no proper food- and no, grass and half-rotten coconuts she found lying on the beach and dirty fruits she found further inland _did not_ _count_.

And then a familiar Splash of Stupidity and Superfluous Stimulation Subtended by Silly Squeaks reached her ears. She groaned.

"What, you Moronic Measly Marine Mammal!"

Sure enough, the dolphin was back.

It spun around in a circle and let out another moronic squeak.

"Have you finally decided to bring me some Fish Food of Freshness? I've run out of pelicans and coconuts to eat, and NO WAY am I going back into the Cellar of Certain Crazy. I went in again last night - guess what, I ended up in some freaky place with creeps wearing black cloaks and shooting coloured lights at each other while yelling "Abracadabra" or "Spellianus" or something! And god, what was with the creepy masks and gangster tattoos?"

It spun around in a circle and let out another moronic squeak.

"Do you even understand me, you Loathsome Lily-Livered Lingering Loafer? Why am I even alliterating?"

It spun around in a circle and-

"STOP DOING THAT!"

It squeaked twice, and then twirled three times and sprayed water at her. She could swear it was laughing.

Juliet picked up the husk of a coconut and was prepared to throw it at the stupid thing's head when the water started bubbling. The dolphin squeaked, almost indignantly. And then there was a splash and...a _head_ surfaced?

"_Romeo_!" The Random Swimming Guy - gosh, he was kinda hot - said empathically. "Please don't go running off! And-" He turned around, eyes (green like the sea) catching sight of Juliet. Not really knowing what else to do, she decided to give in to the possible hallucination and waved. The Random Swimming Guy let out a gasp. The dolphin let out a squeak of joy and began dragging the guy towards her, clicking frantically- Juliet saw a gleaming fish tail as the guy thrashed against the dolphin's grasp.

Oh, mermaid. Oh_- mermaid_! It was a real live_ mermaid_!

"-and definitely don't associate with_ humans_, Prince Romeo! It's dangerous for you!"

"I'm not dangerous, you Mindless Mumbling Mermaid!" Juliet snapped.

"I'M NOT A MERMAID!" Random Swimming Guy- which she now knew to be a Mermaid (definitely explained his random presence in the ocean) wailed. "THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU HUMANS! I'M A MERMAN, DAMMIT, A MERMAN!"

Ditzy Dolphin of Definite Downe Syndrome nudged him comfortingly.

"Go away, Romeo! You don't understand either!" Random Swimming Merman swatted at the dolphin's nose, causing the poor thing to squeal and back away in obvious depression, complete with rainclouds.

"HEY!"****_Did he just scream at _her _dolphin! _Nobody_ does that but _her_!_ "Don't scream at him, he was just trying to help!" she yelled protectively, jumping to her feet and pointing her very impressive, improvised pickaxe at Random Swimming Merman. _Nobody yelled at her dolphin! Nobody!_

"Fine!" Random Swimming Merman cried, and dove back underwater. A flip of a green tail, and he was gone.

Oh dear. Juliet felt really bad now. She could have sworn Random Swimming Merman was almost in tears when he left.

Hoping for a distraction, she turned to the dolphin - Romeo, was it? "Hey, uh, you okay?"

The dolphin didn't make a sound, and was instead staring at her with really, reeeeaaally wide eyes.

She was getting a bit uncomfortable. "Don't stare at me like that! Did that jerk hurt you?"

The dolphin didn't make a sound or even a splash in response. Instead, it swam closer to her, slowly - _slowly! _Oh, no, was something wrong?

...Wait. She recognised that look in its eyes now.

It was a look of complete and total adoration.

If Romeo the dolphin had arms, she swore he would be glomping her by now.

"Aw, I guess you're a bit of a cutie after all..." Juliet waded out into the shallows, patting Romeo on the head, and he nuzzled her leg in return.

_Pretty octopus looooooooooooves me..._

* * *

><p>While Romeo and Juliet commenced their days of much fluff and love, Benvolio wallowed in angst and the deepest darkest parts of the ocean, where large gaping chasms served as physical metaphors of the howling abyss of his lonely soul. Weeping and writing dark poetry, he might have lived out his whole life alone - if not for the fact he grew worried about the fate of his kingdom and its very diseased citizens after an afternoon down there.<p>

But... he just couldn't face them! Oh the insensitive creatures, having no consideration for a poor teenage merboy's feelings!

Singing extremely emotional songs, he swam further away - but out of the darkness. If he stayed down there anymore he might forget what light looked like, and he'd rather stay sane.

In the middle of an off-key, depressing rendition of Bad Day, a sudden splash distracted Benvolio. He looked up and - was that an equestrian? I mean, a horse? In the water?

The poor thing was drowning!

Gathering all the strength in his tail, he propelled himself upwards to the horse. It was panicking, wide brown eyes full of fear as it thrashed wildly.

"Shush, young land-hippocampi;" Benvolio called soothingly, swimming nearer - his heart raced. "Think of sea- um, no, land-grass, mama horse, wide not-under-sea-plains..."

He tried to support the horse and bring it up to the surface before it suffocated, but the horse - no, pony; it was too small to be a horse, he realised now - panicked more and thrashed even more wildly.

Dammit- Ouch! It kicked him in the face!

Clearing his throat and leaning back to avoid the thrashing limbs of the pony, Benvolio nervously hummed a lullaby. The pony began to calm down, and he leaned in closer, gently stroking the pony's mane with one hand while the other tried to drag it towards the surface. Dammit, the horse was _heavy!_

It seemed like an eternity before they broke through the sea foam, and Benvolio worked hard to keep the pony's head above the water. He looked around wildly for some rock or something for the pony to clamber onto, because his strength was starting to fail him. Nearby he spotted a great big ship- with a pirate's emblem on the flag- and a longboat rowing towards him.

Panic stabbed through him. Benvolio had heard so many tales of merpeople being captured and killed -or worse, sold into a life away from the sea- by humans, most of them pirates. The horse struggled as he subconsciously tightened his grip- to distract himself, he tried to think of something, anything, land animals, more ponies, _lions _or something-

"Argghh, thank 'ee, good sailor, that be me darlin' pony."

The human that pulled up to him in the little wooden dinghy had the most intimidating eyes he had ever seen.

Her voice was husky, a refreshing change from the high falsettos of most of the mermaid population. A cascade of wild dark curls made her tanned face seem even more bronzed, and with her strong jaw and piercing eyes-

-very, very intimidating. Heck, those eyes seemed to be dissecting him and figuring out exactly how to slice him and dice him and have him for dinner -

-wait a minute, was he getting _scared_?

"Thanks fer' savin' me pony- what'cha doing in the middle of te ocean, lad?" The female pirate said curiously, reaching out to help the pony on board. Her fingers brushed Benvolio's as she hauled the pony onto the longboat; they were rough and calloused, but they were unusually gentle. The pony did not protest, leaning against the pirate and whinnying appreciatively. However, she was still staring at him- suddenly, Benvolio felt extremely self-conscious.

"Ye need a ship? I'd be happy ta give a good lad as you a job on board."

"Uh... I..." Those eyes were _really _intimidating. "The pony's yours?" he blurted out. "Why would you need ponies? You're a seafarer!"

He realized too late that it was a totally inconsiderate line. The woman - girl, really - was offended, but Benvolio didn't think that slapping himself would help the situation. As much as he wanted to do just that. "Twinkle Toes is pretty and valuable - which is what pirates like. Now, ye coming on board, me hearty?" She playfully slapped the pony on the rump, and with a grunt it shifted to the side to make room.

The empty spot on the ship was very tempting. However Benvolio caught himself in time, telling himself firmly that he_ had a fishtail_ and she did not, and would probably not like people with fishtails. Trying to keep the disappointment (and the shock at his disappointment, did he not hate humans before this like all the other merpeople?) off his face, Benvolio sank further back into the water. "Uh... no thanks. I'll... find me another ship?"

The girl looked at him and frowned disapprovingly (Benvolio blushed as he realised he was following the soft curve of her thin, pale lips). "Good boy, aren't ya? Hmph, the Rainbow Starship ain't got any need fer sissies such as yerself," she declared, flipping her - _gorgeous_ - dark curls over her shoulder. Benvolio's blush-wait, he_ had_ a blush?- deepened as he realised her loose jerkey bared her collar bones and a bit of her shoulder - which was _very _well-defined.

The girl slipped her oars back into the water and began rowing the pony and herself back to the nearby pirate ship. Benvolio could hear the crew of stereotypically burly men calling to her from the deck. Realizing that the girl probably had herself a boyfriend or something from amongst that crew, and he had no business interfering, Benvolio began to turn to swim away- but then again, he also realized that the pirate seemed to be taking a lot of effort rowing the boat back-

"Soft, good lady!"

Dammit, he was begining to be as impulsive as _Romeo_. Maybe he really should see a doctor when he got back...

The girl looked at him oddly. "Yer talkin' to me?"

"Um... yes?"

She licked her lips and cracked a half-smirk, faintly surprised. "Well I never, ain't ever had anyone call _me_ a lady before."

"Well, I think you're good enough to be one," Benvolio said before he could control himself. (He conveniently forgot that he called_ all_ females 'ladies',whether they deserved it or not.) "What is your name, lady?"

She stood up, planting one foot precariously on the rim of the longboat and bending down towards Benvolio. The boat rocked a little, its front end dipping a bit and bringing her face closer to his."I, be Captain Rosaline," she drew herself to her full height suddenly, whipping around to brandish a hand towards the nearby pirate ship - the pony ducked its head to avoid her wild swing, squealing, "o' the Rainbow Starship, tha' beauty righ' over there!" she declared, gesturing proudly. The crew clapped and cheered from the ship.

"Rosaline," Benvolio murmured. "A beautiful name for a beautiful lady."

...oh, dear Neptune. What was wrong with him?

Rosaline raised an eyebrow. "An' ye, young lad, be a very good flirt." She smirked widely, eyes amused and vaguely challenging. "So long, sailor. Good luck on findin' a ship. Oh, and many thanks fer savin' Twinkle Toes here," she added.

So saying, she sat back and continued rowing the longboat back to her ship - when Benvolio darted forward.

"My lady Rosaline, pray do not, um, tire...yourself..." Realizing with a growing sense of horror what was coming out of his own mouth, his original loud declaration dwindled off into his usual soft-spoken whisper at the end, as he swum up to the side of the boat (making sure to keep his tail concealed underneath the waves).

"What?" Rosaline snapped crabbily. "How else am I to get back to my shi- what are ye doin', lad?"

"Um... pushing you along?" Benvolio said uncomfortably, realising what danger he had put himself in.

...Oh dear. He was such a hypocrite. Romeo would be so angry. Or just hurt.

"Well, those are some strong legs ye got there, me hearty."

"Uh, thanks?"

If only she knew.

But then again, if she knew she might decide to slice and dice him for dinner, so she _couldn't _know.

He tried not to think about all the possibilities he would have if what was under the water were really just a pair of legs.


	7. Mercutio chooses banishment over cosplay

Authors' Note: Speed review again! ... Enjoy? xDD

* * *

><p>Far away in the landlocked, desert country of Agrabakistan, the kingdom was in an uproar. The King and Queen were frantically praying to each of the 700 deities of the kingdom, from the Great Goddess of Flying Spaghetti to the Sparrow of Chatterboxes and Shooting Stars, all the way down to the Most Respectable God of Video Games and Spongebob Seasons, and all the way up to the Most Best and Greatest and Supreme Lord of the Universe, Chuck Adolf-Lenin-Mao-Cheese-Napoleon-Genghis-Caesar-Confucius-Arthur-Mozart-Fate-Shakespeare-Salami-Nippon-go-Chibi-Chibi-Kawaii-Disney-Alexander Norris the Great (Chuck A.L.M.C.N.G.C.C.A.M.F.S.S.N.C.C.K.D.A. Norris the Great for short - you can see why few people ever prayed to him despite him being the Most Best and Greatest and Supreme).<p>

Once again, the most venerable Nurse Jafar and their darling son Prince Mercutio had vanished into thin air.

The humid marketplaces had been overturned. The rich villas had been searched. The icky slums- as icky as they were, guards had been sent to wade through all the dust and filfth, poking half-heartedly at the crumbling and overcrowded buildings.

Back in the palace, the King and Queen were pacing in their grand court, trying and failing to successfully get a prayer to Chuck A.L.M.C.N.G.C.C.A.M.F.S.S.N.C.C.K.D.A. Norris the Great- they always forgot the name halfway. But suddenly, the great double doors burst open to reveal a distraught Nurse Jafar stumbling in, her hair and clothes in disarray.

"Your Majesties! Your son- the Most Honorable Prince Mercutio- he has- he has-" she bent over, trying to regain her breath. "Ran away! Yet again! I tried to stop him, but he was too fast, and I can't find him- a thousand apologies! I deserve death for failing to take care of him!" She collapsed to the ground, whether prostrating herself of her own accord or simply falling over to exhaustion, no one knew. The Queen hurried over and helped the Nurse up.

"You mustn't blame yourself, Nurse," She murmured, sending for water and smelling salts as she helped the Nurse into a nearby chair. "Our Mercutio has always been the reckless boy."

"Reckless?" The Nurse exclaimed, flailing slightly. "The Prince is not just reckless, I fear- he may be possessed by the Devil Himself!"

A gasp and a shiver ran though those assembled at the court.

"Do you speak the truth, Nurse?" The King said after a moment of silence, shocked.

Nurse Jafar nodded vehemently. "Why else would he actively cause so much trouble- before he left, I could swear by the Great Goddess of Flying Spaghetti that I saw the Devil perch on the Prince's shoulder, whispering atrocities in his ear!"

Whispers hissed throughout the court, like wildfires.

"But... but what shall we do?" the King wailed. "I am at my wit's end! Nurse Jafar, always have you been there for us, dost thou not have golden advice to offer in this time of great need?" He fell to his knees, clutching at his greying hair - or lack thereof, considering Mercutio's antics had caused him to resort to this anguished action so many times.

"Calm down, dear," the Queen said soothingly, patting the King's shoulder - but the worried frown did not leave her face. "Nurse Jafar, what do you suggest?"

Nurse Jafar smiled, the rulers missing the unnervingly sinister look in her eyes as she did so. "It is a very simple thing. The Devil hast possessed Prince Mercutio because he is mentally and physically too weak; Palace life has not prepared him for the challenges he has to face! If Your Majesty were to send the Prince away, he would learn to be strong, live independently and become a great leader fit for Agrabakistan! The challenge of living away from the comforts of the Palace and his parents will cause him to develop and grow so much stronger and be able to resist the Devil's influence-"

The King's wail of anguish rang through the court. "_My darling 'Cutio! I don't want to send him awayyyyyyyyyy!_"

"Now, now, your majesty, it is for his own good," Nurse Jafar said comfortingly. "He will understand better how serious governing a country is! And maybe, how valuable good clothes are_ - and cosplay outfits too,_" she murmurred, her grin widening as she whispered the last part under her breath.

"Did you say something, Nurse?"

"Oh, nothing."

* * *

><p>"This is kind of fun, actually!"<p>

Tybalt cast a sideways glance at Dumbass, wondering what kind of noble finds the life of a street urchin _fun_.

...then again, he had a point. Nobles probably didn't get to do this (they didn't know what they were missing on)

Flinging the last of the ceramic pots into the chaos, Tybalt flopped back. The two boys surveyed the damage with great satisfaction and not the least bit of remorse.

Five stalls in flames. Turtles running rampant as their seller tried to retrieve them. Watermelons still rolling down the impromptu ramp Mercutio had made out of several expensive carpets. People screaming. Rabbits hopping about. Some random woman crying over the death of her dates.

All was well in the world.

...except for the fact that Tybalt had been well-matched by this boy - where the flames were concerned, probably even outmatched. He had never seen another boy as good as he was in creating chaos- let alone a_ rich kid_. What kind of education Dumbass had to equip him with which skills was beyond Tybalt. Maybe he ran away on a regular basis.

Tybalt approved of that idea somewhat, but dwelled longer on the fact that he had been well-matched, perhaps outmatched. It didn't sit well with him. But he didn't have time to contemplate how things could have degraded to his being out-troublemade by a _noble_ of all people, not when his ears picked out the distinctive timbre of the Palace Head Guard shouting and leading his stampede of guards their way.

"Great," he muttered to himself. "Come on!" he called to Dumbass, leaping agilely from the rooftop to the adjacent one. Dumbass was less proficient at the art- he tottered and stumbled, nearly missing the rooftop altogether. (Tybalt couldn't help but feel very smug about this.)Grabbing the kid's hand, he dragged him through a series of wild street acrobatics - sliding down clotheslines, bouncing off stall awnings - and was rather satisfied to hear Dumbass' shrieks of fear.

And then - "Gotcha!" He felt Dumbass' hand get ripped from his grip, but didn't have time to turn around before he crashed into the very, very muscular body of a palace guard. Over Dumbass' screeching in the background, the guard grunted: "Well, what have we here?"

Uh-oh.

"A little street rat," the guard sneered, "consorting with - HOLY MOTHER OF CHUCK A.L.M.C.N.G.C.C.A.M.F.S.S.N.C.C.K.D.A. NORRIS! OUCH MY EYE!"

Tybalt wiped the stray drop of spit from the corner of his mouth. "You can actually remember the whole thing?" he asked absently, taking in with satisfaction the accuracy of his handiwork. Then again, he'd had a lot of practice. After all, Agrabakistan had a lot of llamas. Or camels. He couldn't tell the difference, didn't really care. The point was, they were really expert senseis in the fine art of spitting at people's faces.

"Sweeeeet! Streetrat, you gotta teach me how to do that sometime!" Dumbass hollered from behind Tybalt. With his own guard distracted, he turned to grab Dumbass and run- only to realize that Dumbass was swinging a foot off the ground, hanging by his rather expensive collar in the grip of another guard.

Then a large hand grabbed the back of his poor excuse of a shirt. "Don't think of running, boy! You've caused enough trouble in Agrabakistan, probably enough for a lifetime behind bars-"

The guard was interupted by a high-pitched squeal. Wincing, he turned to roar at his fellow guard. "MY EARS! Can it, you-"

"But sir! This is the Prince of Agrabakistan!"

"The Prince of _WHAT_?" Tybalt yelled, all wittiness gone in his surprise. "DUMBASS, I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING!" He whipped his head around, glaring at the Dumbass in shock. Dumbass simply shot him a winning smile and winked in an I-told-you-so-way.

The palace guard rolled his eyes. "All right, drama's over. Street rat, to the dungeons with ya. Your Highness," the guard grinned evilly, "well, you're in a lot of hot water."

Prince Dumbass grinned. "Actually, I'm quite dry. Would _you _like to get wet though?"

The palace guard frowned. "Wha-"

SPLASH!

The guards let go, hands flying up to their faces; Tybalt dropped to the ground. He looked up and - oh, this was a change. For once, he wasn't the one saving the stupid monkey's butt. The talking monkey, perched on an overhanging clothesline and holding a bucket of mudwater, grinned and gestured for Tybalt to flee.

Taking advantage of the distraction, Tybalt bolted, weaving in between the two guards and their flailing arms. "Come on, Prince Dumbass!" He tried to grab Prince Dumbass' head, but he couldn't quite reach- nevermind. Prince Dumbass would follow. He couldn't be _that _much of a dumbass not to.

Tyalt ran as quickly as he could, stretching out an arm in a skywards gesture; Paris swung down from the clothesline and landed expertly on his shoulder. The two only stopped when they had half the city between themselves and the guards. Bending over, Tybalt panted, "Well, thanks so much for all the trouble, Prince Dumbas," he snarled sarcastically. "Why didn't you tell me you really were royalty? Though, you're pretty good for a rich snob, I'll give you..."

Shit, he did not just say that to the Prince of Agrabakistan.

He glanced behind, bracing himself for a barrage of smartass insults, realizing all to late that the Prince_ did_ tell him that he was, well, the Prince...

"...Prince Dumbass?"

Oh, shucks.

"_PARIS_!"

Paris stared at him. "Wait, so you leaving him behind wasn't a plan to fool the guards by splitting up?"

* * *

><p>"No! No, no no!" Mercutio gave his father's luxurious sofa a violent kick. "NO ONE IS SENDING ME AWAY! I WANNA STAY HERE AND MESS WITH ALL OF YOUR LIVES! WHO AM I GONNA ANNOY IN THE DESERT?" he wailed.<p>

The Queen rubbed her forehead. "No one, sweetheart. That's the exact point of sending you out there." The King let out another devastated screech, curled up into a ball on his sofa. He was ignored.

Mercutio pouted. Then he jumped on to his father's lap. "Daddy! You wouldn't!" he whined.

_Just great_, thought Nurse Jafar crossly. _The old softie would let the brat have his way! _She couldn't let that happen, now could she...

The King uncurled and clutched Mercutio to him with crushing force. "O-of course not, my d-darling C-Cut-tio- *sob* No one's going to hurt you, n-not with Daddy around-"

Mercutio smirked evilly, trying not to suffocate. The battle was wo-

"But darling," the Queen cut in. Nurse Jafar quickly capitalized on this and stepped forward, prising Mercutio away from the King. "Darling, Mercutio wouldn't be able to _grow up independently_ if we keep him here. You want him to grow up into a great ruler of Agrabakistan, don't you? He needs to learn the value of hard work and the best way to do that would-"

As the Queen lectured, the Nurse pulled Mercutio close and tugged at his ear. "Last chance, brat;" she hissed. "Come on, the dresses aren't that bad- or would you rather hang, beg, starve, _die_ in the desert?"

"I'd rather have a sex orgy with two llamas and an ostrich!" Mercutio hissed back.

Nurse Jafar blinked. "How is that even possi- Never mind! I mean it when I said it was your last chance, brat! The Hatsune Miku costume really isn't that bad. You didn't mind the Sailor Moon costume a few years back!"

"That's 'cause I was five, you sick demoness!" Mercutio snapped.

"Mercutio, is everything okay?" the Queen asked nervously.

"No, everything is NOT okay!" The King bawled, and the Queen was distracted once more.

"Well?" Nurse Jafar turned back to Mercutio.

"I will not wear a Hatsune Miku costume, I will not wear a Vampire Knight costume, I will not cosplay as Kagamine Rin or Haruno Sakura _ever_, and I sure as hell will NEVER wear a Japanese schoolgirl uniform!" Mercutio declared, his voice rising in agitation.

Nurse Jafar raised an eyebrow coldly. "A pity, you would've looked so adorable, Mah-Cutie... ah, well, banishment it is. GUARDS!"

"Wait, no! Nurse Jafar, you can't!" The King cried jumping up. He really was quite a pitiful sight, tears streaming down and all.

"Darling, darling," the Queen said soothingly.

"Take the Prince to the borders. Give him some supplies and make sure he doesn't come back within three years," Nurse Jafar commanded smugly.

"Daddy, nooooooo!"

"Cutioooooooooooo! Leggo, stupid wife!"

"Honey! Calm down, this is-"

"DADDYYYYYYYYYY!"

"CUTIOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"...Hubby, this is very unbecoming of you."

In the corner, Nurse Jafar rubbed her hands together, grinning gleefully.

"DADAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"CUTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Stop this tomfoolery at once, my dear! Mercutio, go now before your father floods the room with his tears! Guards! Hurry up or you're fired!"

"DADDYYYYYYYY!"

"Mercutio, shut up!"


End file.
